Part III: The Dark Side of Perfection
Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 7:08AM The Dark Side of Perfection -- and it’s silver lining!
There are many who suggest the pursuit of perfection is pure folly.
I argue that perfectionists confuse perfection with excellence, and that they naively believe that perfection is not just achievable but the only acceptable outcome!
“Perfectionists” hold just the opposite beliefs to what we’ve discussed thus far. They believe that:
- Purpose: Perfection is the expected outcome
- Perspective: Perfection is an actual result, not just an ideal
- Gratitude: Nothing short of perfection is acceptable
It is not the goal of perfection that paralyzes their performance, but the illusion of achievability -- indeed the compulsion to relentlessly achieve ideal results -- and the frustration that invariably follows. Sadly, they often equate their own self-worth with this broken illusion!
So, how have these beliefs been working out for them?
Here’s but a sampling of quotes from recovering perfectionist:
“Perfection is the enemy of success”
“It is impossible to reach “perfection”, so striving for perfection is foolish.”
“The mindset of a person focused on perfection is critical, harried, time-crunched, unable to see the big picture, stressed, unconfident, and rarely allowed any sense of true accomplishment and personal reward”
"Perfection is not attainable, and chasing it is pointless.”
“The striving for perfection is the striving for the illusive “one right way,” making others wrong or inferior.”
“When you strive for perfection, you shoot yourself in the foot right from the start. You’ve given yourself a goal that’s unreachable... Perfection holds you back from reaching your true potential.”
“I don’t believe God wants us to strive for perfection because he knows that will not happen. No one is perfect.”
"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; Perfection is God's business"
“There are many people in the world who struggle with letting go of perfection. I was one of those people and when I finally learned to give it up I felt as though a 10 ton brick had been lifted off my shoulders.”
"Am I guilty of teaching perfection instead of striving for excellence? In the first place, am I clear with how these two words actually mean?"
These misconceptions have even been memorialized into a well-known rant entitled “Excellence vs. Perfection,” trashing all things perfection.
Although the authors are unknown, it was clearly written by recovering perfectionists-- those without a clue as to what had gone wrong!
Excellence vs. Perfection
Perfection is being right; Excellence is being willing to be wrong.
Perfection is fear; Excellence is taking a risk
Perfection is anger and frustration; Excellence is powerful
Perfection is control; Excellence is spontaneous
Perfection is judgment; Excellence is accepting
Perfection is taking; Excellence is giving
Perfection is doubt; Excellence is confidence
Perfection is pressure; Excellence is natural
Perfection is the destination; Excellence is the journey
--authors unknown*
*As perfectionist they would surely be devastated to learn they got the last stanza right --read on!
My God! Stop the whining already!
According to this rant, perfection is an obsession to be right every time, ever filled with fear, anger and frustration, ruthlessly driven by an inner control freak, under pressure to "take-no-prisoners" in route to some unworthy destination.
These stark warnings parallel the common proclamation that “money is the root of all evil,” only perfection is now the root of all evil!
Perfectionists dismiss perfection because – in their minds-- perfection is not a tool but an actual result. Further, perfectionists hold a twisted sense of entitlement, where they feel cheated and unworthy when they fail to achieve perfection as an outcome.
The actual verse (1 Timothy 6:10) warns that, “love of money” is the root of all evil,** not money itself. Just as attachment to money creates “evil,” expectation of perfection – the attachment to a perfect outcome -- drives perfectionists to the dark side. Any fear of perfection itself is unfounded.
** In July 2012, Google had 937,000 references to the biblical quote including, "love of money" compared with 3,233,000 quotes without this essential insight.
You need only to watch a few hours of sports to see some athlete enraged, stunned with frustration, or indulging in self-pity as a result of their performance. Failure is rejected when perfection stands in for excellence because every result falls short of perfection!
They are, in effect, playing God and their "God" of perfection has failed them. With such unattainable standards, it’s no wonder perfectionists stand frozen with fear and conclude, “Why try?”
It is this misperception—the idea that perfection is an deserved result – that distinguishes true greatness from the "good enough" standard that fills the void once perfection is dismissed and discarded by perfectionists.... Dreams are shattered and careers are abandoned all because of this tragic misuse of the “perfect tool.”
This obsession with perfectibility is really just the scab that covers insecurity, shame, and fear of vulnerability. “…We make everything that's uncertain, certain…. We perfect,” asserts “researcher-story teller” Brené Brown.
You may be shocked to learn that Brené Brown herself, frozen with fear and shame, held up in sheer panic, alone for three days, feeling naked and exposed, after giving this talk at Ted!
Just knowing the perfection framework is not sufficent. If you're a perfectionist, you may have to let go of some deep-seated fears to come back from the "dark side."
"...You're going to realize, just as I did; there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. -- Morpheus, The Matrix
Ms. Brown asserts that perfectionist hold a belief that their worthiness depends on external results. In contrast, whole-heartedness, as she puts it, is the belief that you are: "Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is."
Our time here is short and what we do one this day matters. So spending a day wallowing in self-pity and shame, destroys the one thing that really matters; this day. Don't give in, not even for a minute.
In my reality, perfection is essential. It is an ideal to which we both aspire and measure excellent results; it's the baby in this bathwater of perfectionism!
No one has ever done anything great without first perfecting it, in mind and then perfecting in form! Further, just as we can only assess fast, hot, or high against "just right," there has to be an ideal to make any comparative measure of what we call "excellence."
Once you understand that perfection is merely a vision of the ideal -- not a place with an address -- you'll understand the truth in “perfection is the destination, excellence is the journey.” You will accept and revere excellence for what it is: our divine expression of perfection along the way.
It is not the guiding beacon of perfection that must be rejected, but the expectation of storied outcomes and the misconception that we somehow deserve perfect results. With that attitude, our burden is lifted and the joy of life returns!
Where perfectionists mistakenly believe that failure is not an option, here’s the reality: so long as you are moving forward, you will fail; it’s not an option. With the right attitude can we learn from every failure and failure, then, becomes the key ingredient of success.
When we hold our successes -- and those of others -- with grace and humility, we can revere those rare moments of human perfection as a divine gift and “feel moved by a greater power” than ourselves.
Michael Jordan showed us that divinity can shine through us all and held an obvious reverence for excellence. He combined a legendary drive for perfection with humility, not expectation, and never lost his joy for the game.
You will fail, “over and over again,” just as Michael Jordan did. The moment you fail, let go. Learn from it, but let go.
There’s an amazing scene in the Lion King that illustrates this “perfectly” -- which by now you know is a misnomer!
It’s the turning point in the story where Simba is wallowing in self-pity about having to face his past when, suddenly, Rafiki whacks him in the head.
“Ow! Geeze. What was that for?,” Simba demands. Rafiki replys, “It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”
That’s how fast you let it go!
Not the experience or the lessons to be learned, but any negative emotions associated with failure. “It’s in the past.... So, what are you going to do?"
As Rafiki puts it, “Oh, yes. The past can hurt but, the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
You see perfectionism was never a curse, but a great gift! If you are a perfectionist, you innately feel the joy in achieving perfection beyond what exists in the world today-- a trait shared with Jordan, Gretskey, Woods, Jobs, Twain, Disney, Gerswin and all great innovators. You feel the joy!
You need only embrace your human limitations as well and, with that, focus your efforts on what truly matters; your legacy.
“There’s far too much to take in here,” the theme goes, so just perfect your legacy and leave the rest of creation to others!
Artist who seek perfection in everything are those who attain it nothing.
PART I: PUTTING PERFECTION IN IT'S PLACE
PART II: PERFECTION REVEALS EXCELLENCE
PART III: THE DARK SIDE OF PERFECTION
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